Wazzzuuuuup, welcome to the first ever (and lets face it, it took me so long that it’s probably the last ever) Recapstenders! Spread the word, tell your neighbour over the fence, tell the knit and natter group. It’s here. Your weekly round-up of the fun and frolics that have gone on in Albert Square and other places. If you missed your favourite show this week, here’s all you need to know without watching.
Yes, you guessed it, Alfie was a buffoon again. If one thing’s become clear to us since boxing day, its the fact that Kat was the one who kept the pub afloat. Definitely not a man who has become such a buffoon that he genuinely believes the stock he buys for his stall will make him enough money to provide for his wife (not sure about this anymore actually) and soon to be three kids.
Meanwhile, Bianca was quizzing her mum and dad about the unfortunate incident of her catching them in bed together the night before.
Then David found another one of the characters’ phones that haven’t been replaced since 2006.
Kat tried to gently tell Alfie that the stock he keeps buying is crap, but he didn’t take too well to the home truths.
And Masood came back off his Pakistan trip that we’d all kind of forgotten he’d been on. Just thought he’d been hanging around as an extra in the Vic.
But he hadn’t gone away for no reason, because he brought back his formerly-estranged daughter Shabnam.
Aww, what a thoroughly pleasant young lady. I already love her.
Alfie set out on his quest to be the breadwinner for his growing family, but as you, I and the Queen Vic bust suspected, it didn’t go too well.
To make matters worse, Kat stepped in to prove my earlier point about keeping the pub afloat. Alfie seemed unusually unhappy considering that Kat’s money is basically his money.
Meanwhile Sharon didn’t cook a very nice dinner.
But Ian Beale stepped in to save the day so everything was fine in the end. Except for the small fact that Sharon found “that” bloody phone in the cupboard.
Linda Carter cleaned some glasses and Alfie, in the midst of being a buffoon mentioned something about a typical EastEnders “money-making opportunity” involing his brother Spencer (remember him?) and a bar out in Australia (of course).
David was appalled when Terry attempted to call him both “mate” and “Dave”, letting us all know that no one calls him that unless they’re really in with him.
Linda asked Sharon for advice on what to have on her new feature wall.
Alfie thought that selling Christmas decorations on his stall in mid January would be a good idea then made a sad face when it didn’t work.
David continued his role of “photo bomber of Albert Square”
Alfie refused to give up on his latest stock.
And in the end, his persistence and infinite self-belief paid off, as “Mr Nice Guy” Mick Carter took pity on him.
Carol broke up with Masood and David rubbed it in his face, and Sharon demanded answers from Phil about the phone. He insisted that they didn’t talk about it at home, so instead they stereotypically ended up in the Arches. Oh, and in other news Shabnam showed her true colours as no. 1 biatch of Walford (and not in a good, cool way) but I couldn’t be bothered to screenshot it.
Phil tried to explain to Sharon in a nutshell what happened to Carl.
Masood got so tired of Fatboy’s endless crap that he began to crack.
David presented Max with a mysterious briefcase.
Which ended up, predictably to be full of money. I was hoping it would contain a sparkly coat, hat and single white glove like Michael Jackson had in his briefcase that time for that performance of Billie Jean that time. (Go and look on youtube your bloody self.) But anyway, after offering Max a ridiculous amount of money to buy into his crappy used car business, Max said no. So David called Max a “Stupid little man” repeatedly. The perils of the show going out before the watershed.
The Masoods (and fatboy) ended up having a typical awkward EastEnders dinner where you could cut the tension with a knife.
WAHEEEEEEEEEEEEEY it was poker night!!!!! (And ladies night at the Vic) but WAHEEEEEEEEY it was poker night!!!!
But it didn’t begin with poker. It began with Alfie being a buffoon again, helplessly trying to explain to Kat why his plans to go to Australia would be the making of them.
David and Max were up to far more important things than preparing for poker night, as David managed to guilt trip Max into letting him buy into the business.
Masood however was going off the rails and decided that although gambling was against his religion, he would agree to host poker night at his place and even get a special tablecloth for it.
Soon enough, poker night and ladies night were in full swing. Over at ladies night, there were some less than appetising “nibbles” laid out on the table.
And over at Poker night Mick said he needed the Khazi and he might be a while. A little while later, Alfie declared that he too needed the khazi, but both he and the audience were reminded that Mick was already in there so he’d have to go elsewhere. With just Alfie and Masood left in the game, Masood sunk to some pretty low depths by gambling his son Tamwar’s university money. Fatboy told Alfie about this and tried to persuade him to let Masood win. Staying true to the lovable good man that he is, he appeared to agree to this.
But in the end he took all the money for himself in order to finally provide for his family.
How the hell a man who thought selling christmas decorations in january was a good idea managed to win a game of poker is beyond me, but he somehow managed it.
Oh, and there was a cringestenders worthy twister game taking place at the jackson household between lauren, whitney and johnny.
In other news Max and David signed some papers and Carol found a mysterious pregnancy test in the kitchen bin. Yay, another whodunnit storyline. You can decide if that last sentence is sarcastic or not.
Someone left a playing card on the floor at Masoods after hashtag poker night.
David had the Branning Brothers’ crappy portacabin removed and replaced with a slightly better one called Deals on Wheels. Max thought he could stop this from happening by pointing and shouting.
But David turned up with a piece of paper and a smug grin.
Phil decided to relax with a cup of tea and a copy of the Walford Gazette.
And somewhere amongst this Sharon announced that she and Phil were going to open a rival bar to the Vic.
The Carters found out the Vic had rising damp and went to Phil for financial help, who of course didn’t want to hear any of it.
Alfie went off in a taxi, in the hope that he would come back from Australia as less of a buffoon.
Carol went on a mission to find out who took the pregnancy test, but found out it wasn’t Bianca, Whitney or Lauren (so who the bloody hell was it then?!)
Mick carried two boxes of an unknown brand of cheese and onion crisps.
Some more unworthy of a screenshot happenings went on in the Lauren and Jake storyline.
And David spun round happily alone in a swivel chair in the dark.
And that, my friends is that.